A more positive note.

Hello, dears! I know my last post was long and mundane, so I thought I’d write something more positive.

About 18 ish months ago, I found and joined a Facebook group called Women’s Advice Group – Mental Health Support. This was around the time that my mental health was bad so I thought that maybe I could gain something from the group and help with my recovery. 

I’m not in any way sexist but I think that the fact the group is for women aged 18+ only, makes me feel like I can be a little more open and wont get silly remarks from childish people. I find that women who want to help you can form one of the strongest bonds with you because 9 times of 10, they’re either going or have gone through similar struggles. 

So a couple of months ago, I saw that the admins of the group were advertising for another admin to join them. Having been in the group for a little while, I messaged them with a little bit about me and my mental health etc and lo and behold (I think that’s the saying?) I was accepted! 

I started off on a trial so that I could get a feel for what admins do and I have to say, I’ve never felt more welcome in a group before! I was excited to learn the protocols and the rules of being an admin but I was also kinda nervous – the group is a big group (circa 3,900 ish members) and I didn’t want to make a bad impression.

Part of being an admin is having to make sure all posts have the relevant trigger warnings, and to make the group a great place to be. I’d like to think I’ve made some new friends from this group (one is a penpal πŸ˜€) and hopefully, can make some more. 

I’ll leave a link to the group here but it is a closed group. If you’d like to join please don’t hesitate! There’s lots of lovely women who just want to help support those in need of it.

Peace and love to you all βœŒπŸ’š

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Disclaimer: I do not own the image I’ve used. It belongs to Women’s Advice Group – Mental Health Support. 

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Things will get better…right?

I’m going to start this post in the way that seems to be the norm lately; I’m sorry for the lack of content. When I started this blog, I was fully intending to post on a regular basis but I guess that didn’t go to plan…

Truth is, these last couple of months have been shit, to put it bluntly. I mean, life isn’t great at the best of times, but they have been shitter than shit – a big dollop of horse manure with a cherry on top, if you like. I could go on but I think you get the jist. It probably doesn’t help that I keep forgetting to take my medication. I know, but it’s easily done!

So if anyone is a regular reader of this blog (thank you if you are) you will know that in December, I moved out of my shit hole flat in Fyfield, Hampshire and into a gorgeous flat in Salisbury, Wiltshire. I loved it. I was so relieved to get into a place that wasn’t damp, cold and smelly! Mum and I moved in together and were planning all sorts; like how we would have the living room, how would we share bills/rent etc. But that didn’t go to plan either because my older brother needed a place to live, so he came along too. 

Things got tense….I mean really tense. Mainly because it was unexpected and not according to plan (as mentioned in one of my previous posts, not sticking to a plan triggers my anxiety…a lot) and this was a big ‘curve ball’. Can you imagine 3 individuals living in a 2 bed flat? It got a bit crowded, and bills were higher, and it felt like mum and I intruded on my brother’s privacy because his ‘bedroom’ was the living room. There was also the factor of our landlord not knowing he was there – clever!

Then June came along and I received a text that really set the mood for us. The text said:

“Hi Laura I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but unfortunately my mum is having to sell the flat as she is going through a divorce. She has asked if she could come over on Thursday afternoon or Friday with an estate agent to value the flat & then it will be put up for sale. With regards to your tenancy we will unfortunately have to give you 2 months notice at some point in the near future. I’m really sorry x”

Great. 

Luckily, we found a 2 bed council flat that we’re waiting to be ready for us to move in to. I wont go into detail but applying for that was a polava as well!

On top of all that my brother went away at the end of July, and wont return until December time. This was a big hit for me. Going from sibling banter everyday to maybe one phone call a week is big difference. It actually makes me feel quite lonely, even though I still have mum and Leo, it’s not quite the same as your sibling, you know? 

Anyway, sorry this has been a long post. If you managed to read all of it then I applaud you! I’ll try and post more often but for now – peace and love to you all βœŒπŸ’š

On the up.

First of all, I’d like to acknowledge the fact that I am terrible at updating this blog! I apologise (to anyone who actually reads this) for that.

This time I have a valid excuse though…I moved house! πŸ˜€πŸ˜€ I finally managed to escape the dilapidated monstrosity of a flat that was draining every inch of life from me. I now live in the City, so have many places I can look for a job (when I feel ready) and am only a few minutes away from actual civilisation, although the thought of socialising at the moment is still very daunting…

Also, I finally have a reason as to why I’m as broken as I am. The many years of emotional manipulation and bullying I suffered through my teens has caused my brain to believe that I’m a piece of shit. I also have a lot of symptoms of BPD but apparently not enough to be diagnosed with it (?) which is a bit of a relief to be honest. I now know that there is the possibility of me getting better; believing that I am actually a nice person…but there’s still a long way to go.

Oh, one last thing – one of the greatest friends I’ve ever had is back in contact. If that’s not enough to make me feel better, then what is?

So things are currently on the up for me. And I like it.

Peace and love to you all βœŒπŸ’š

My comfort box.

I have just finished compiling bits for my comfort box and wanted to share it all with you. Maybe it can inspire you to make your own. I’d love to think that this post inspires somebody else to create a comfort box to help them through potentially bad days.

What is a comfort box? I hear you ask. Well, for those who aren’t sure, it is a box in which you put items that calm or relax you when you’re feeling down, or having a bad day, or just generally struggling with life. You can put any items in it, such as:

  • Favourite chocolate
  • Favourite film
  • Activities
  • Photos 
  • Candles etc

So this is what my comfort box looks like:-

It includes:-

  • 2 lavender candles
  • 4 photos that mean the world to me
  • Incense
  • Sudoku puzzle book
  • Paper to doodle on
  • Pencil case full of coloured pens
  • Wispa Gold hot chocolate
  • One of my favourite mugs
  • A home made CD with some of my favourite songs on; and
  • Some inspirational/motivational quotes.

I think this will be something that I’ll add to. For example, I’m thinking of adding my Psychoville DVDs but I’m not sure yet.

I figured that I cant always rely on medication or doctors to help me feel better. It must start with myself first. 

Peace and love to you all ✌❀

#Frustrated!

So I was led in bed the other day when an idea for a story/screenplay popped into my brain. I’m not going to go into too much detail but it’s set in the future and may or may not involve espionage – I haven’t decided yet.

The problem with this is that I have absolutely no idea how or where to start writing! I know the basics of creating a protagonist etc etc but I just do not know how to get the ball rolling. The most annoying thing about this is that it isn’t the first time this has happened to me. I’m always thinking of ideas for lyrics or stories but I just never know what to do with them! #Frustrated!

I love writing and I love being creative but my attention span is virtually non-existent. Maybe if I mind map or brainstorm, something will pop up? Maybe?

(Un)employment – part 1.

When I was 18 and finishing 6th form, I was pretty certain that I didn’t want to go to university – I had no idea what I’d have studied if I went – so the only option I could choose was to get a job straight away. So that’s what I did.

My first ever job was as a Health Care Assistant in an elderly nursing home. I was only there for a month and I hated it. I didn’t particularly like the people there (no offence) or the things that happened. For instance, one colleague was dealing with a resident, helping him/her* with breakfast and they were texting and playing on their mobile phone! I was completely flabbergasted and I think this was the deal breaker. I didn’t want to work with people so ignorant, so back to the job search I went.

I received a call from a company recruiting and they offered a brilliant salary, a qualification and a secure position working in a call centre, aswell as enrolling onto their graduate scheme, studying for a diploma. To cut the long story short, I was interviewed and got the job! I was so happy. This was the same year I got my first car, so inside I felt as though I had really done well for myself.

It got to the first day, I was really nervous, not really too sure what to expect but optimistic nonetheless. I was with a group of people in the exact same position as me – enrolled onto the scheme, starting a new job etc – some of whom I made really good friends with. We had 4 weeks of training and I thought it was going really well and was excited to be ‘released into the wild’ i.e assigned a department. This was when things got tough and my optimism slowly disintegrated…

The job that the recruiter explained over the phone was nothing like the job I was working in, which was really disappointing, but I thought to myself ‘I’ve already quit 1 job, I cant quit this too’ so I stuck at it.

Being on the graduate scheme meant rotating to a new department every 6ish months. My first department was a sales department and the 2nd was also sales but a different type of call. This is the department I struggled most in and my depression became prevalent. I contemplated resigning on so many occasions. The only thing I could enjoy was the studying because it meant being out of department for a few hours.

After that department, I was put in a cancellations department. This was more accounts/admin based and I enjoyed it so much more than being in a sales department. Most of the people were really nice and I made a few good friends. The next department was a really important department and I enjoyed it so much! I was treated like an adult, we had coffee everyday and I just felt really valued. At this stage, unfortunately, my studies werent going well though. In other words, I was failing all of my exams. I really wanted to quit the scheme but stay in the department I was in but they werent looking for anymore permanent team members. I was gutted! When the time came to moving departments, I felt so down but I knew it was part of the job. I moved to a renewals department and things got horrible.

The department was such a change from the 2 previous. Studies got so bad that it was a mutual decision by myself and the grad manager to come off of the scheme and I hated the department. The people were money-hungry, and the customers seemed worse than when I was in sales. I decided it was time for me to move on. So in February 2016, after 2 and a half years, I resigned.

During those 2 and a half years, my depression had hit an all time low, I didnt feel supported and I believe that the job made things worse. I didn’t have a job to go to but I came to the conclusion that my mental health was more important than anything and I think it was the best decision I have ever made!

*I am keeping this information anonymous for the confidentiality of the resident.

Let’s get started.

Here it is. My first blog post. I’ve been wanting to write a blog for a little while now but I’m quite a boring person, in the way that I dont have many friends, I live in the middle of nowhere and I’m unemployed (yes, the dreaded U word.) It’s not always been like this though. In school and 6th form, I had a wonderful group of friends, known as β€œthe geeks” because they were just insanely super smart. What I loved about the group was that we stuck together from year 7/8 all the way to year 13, so we saw each other develop from weird half child-half teen mutants into aspiring young adults, which was very comforting.

But like I say, I dont have many friends in my current life. I find that it’s largely down to where I live – isolated –Β surrounded by horses. Perhaps I should befriend them!

Over the years, I’ve developed a general disliking of being around people. Some call it unsocial – I call it ‘less judgement to deal with!’ I’m very much a recluse. But I like it that way πŸ™‚