Look good, feel good.

During my appointment with the doctor yesterday, it was pointed out to me that medication isn’t always the answer to feeling better. Yes, it helps take the edge off, and controls chemical levels, but it is impossible for a simple pill, capsule or tablet to change your thought process. Having been prescribed near enough the maximum dosage possible, it was time to focus on the actual reasoning behind the way I feel – the psychology of it all.

So what is it that makes me cripple with anxiety? What is it that makes the voice in my brain tell me I’m worthless? There’s only one real answer to all of this – body confidence.

Anyone who knows me, or knew me while growing up, is well aware that I’m not considered a ‘normal, feminine girl’ (I mean what even is normal, right?) I’ve had issues with my weight from a very early age, I don’t wear make up (not that that makes you feminine) and I’ve never really had an interest in boys; it was always school, 6th form, work etc.

I was raised in a household where the term “you are what you are” was thrown around virtually every day. Little did I know that I would be given the look of disappointment anytime I tried to alter my body image. To anyone who thinks I’m exaggerating, I was scolded the first time I shaved my legs; that’s how ridiculous it was, nevertheless, I kept doing it anyway!

Returning to the main crux of this post, I have decided that in order to feel good about myself, I need to look good, and to do this I have set myself 3 goals to aim for:

  1. Start a strict diet and lose weight.
  2. Take care of my hair, skin and nails.
  3. Leave the house at least once a day – even if it’s only to take the bins out.

I have already made a start on these. The biggest achievement for me so far is the fact I have left the house everyday this week, and it’s already had an impact on my mood. I can feel a high episode coming and it feels good! In regards to number 2 on my list, I have began moisturising every morning and even had my eyebrows waxed for the first time on Wednesday (I usually pluck them. It doesn’t sound like a big deal but it makes a difference)

I bought this picture as a motivator for me to see every morning 😁

I know this is going to be a long process, but the daunting thought of how long it’s going to take is being outweighed by the thought of how happy I’ll be when I get to the body I’m comfortable in.

Peace and love to you all ✌💚

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Fickle Friends

F i c k l e Friends Source: @ficklefriends

One band that I really have been into this month is Fickle Friends. They are a 5 piece band from Brighton, UK and I fell in love with their stuff (they’re kind of Indie Pop ish) pretty much as soon as I heard it. I discovered them early last year from a Youtube channel called ‘The Hyve’ so looked at their own channel and loved all the songs I heard!

Check out their main website to find the links to all of the songs they have on Youtube.

What I like about this band is the heavy influence of synths and the 80’s feel (I keep telling my mum that I was born in the wrong era haha) . They also have an up beat style to them with sweet little guitar riffs, great use of the open high-hat and interesting bass lines.

I think they have a perfect balance between the pitches of the instrument ensemble and the pitches of the vocals – particular the lead singer.

Fickle Friends have released 1 EP called ‘Velvet’ and 8 singles, 1 of which is on the EP. Below is a list of all the songs I could find, and I’ve highlighted my favourites:

  1. Swim (2014)
  2. Play (2014)
  3. For You (2014)
  4. Could Be Wrong (2015)
  5. Say No More (2015)
  6. Velvet (2015)
  7. Paris (2015)
  8. Shake Her (2015)
  9. Swim (2016)*
  10. Cry Baby (2016)
  11. Brooklyn (2016)

*This song was re-released, along with an official video.

So take a moment to check out Fickle Friends on their TwitterFacebookYoutubeSpotify or Instagram!

Peace and love ✌💚

“I’m not selfish, it’s my illness.”

So the past few days have been quite bad in terms of my mood; I’ve been having a low episode. During these episodes, the inner voice in me becomes overwhelming. It tells me I’m a piece of shit and that I dont belong on this planet, which can be really dispiriting. 

This episode was particularly bad in the way that I didn’t want to speak to anyone, I didn’t want to do anything, and I genuinely felt like taking all 112 pills of my medication, and if I hadn’t got a message from my best friend, I probably would have. Which leads me to the crux of this post – my best friend.

She’s engaged! Which is crazy because we’ve been best mates since we were about 13/14. The problem with this though, is that it was announced amid my episode so I reacted so terribly, and looking back, I feel dreadful. A best friend is meant to support you and share great moments with you, but instead I just complained and spoke about me all the time (in really short, snappy sentences because, like I said, I didn’t want to talk to anyone.) For this, I am sorry, and Shann – I hope you know that I’m not selfish, it’s my illness.

It’s not every day your best mate is asked to marry the love of their life, and because I felt so bad about the previous days, I bought a card, in the hopes that it made up for the lack of enthusiasm. Here it is:

Photo courtesy of @shannonatron on Instagram (give her a follow 😉)

My episode is just about done with at the minute. I’m so glad that my childhood friend has found happiness because she is the most gracious, kind and beautiful person I know, and have ever met. She deserves it so much, and I’m honoured to be a part of it. 

Congratulations, Shann and Sean!

Peace and love ✌💚

On the up.

First of all, I’d like to acknowledge the fact that I am terrible at updating this blog! I apologise (to anyone who actually reads this) for that.

This time I have a valid excuse though…I moved house! 😀😀 I finally managed to escape the dilapidated monstrosity of a flat that was draining every inch of life from me. I now live in the City, so have many places I can look for a job (when I feel ready) and am only a few minutes away from actual civilisation, although the thought of socialising at the moment is still very daunting…

Also, I finally have a reason as to why I’m as broken as I am. The many years of emotional manipulation and bullying I suffered through my teens has caused my brain to believe that I’m a piece of shit. I also have a lot of symptoms of BPD but apparently not enough to be diagnosed with it (?) which is a bit of a relief to be honest. I now know that there is the possibility of me getting better; believing that I am actually a nice person…but there’s still a long way to go.

Oh, one last thing – one of the greatest friends I’ve ever had is back in contact. If that’s not enough to make me feel better, then what is?

So things are currently on the up for me. And I like it.

Peace and love to you all ✌💚

Finding distractions

Aforementioned, my mental health is currently at a level where everyday is a struggle. I attended my MH assessment and, without going in to any detail yet, I’m waiting for a consultation and medication review. I have mixed emotions about this at the moment – relief because I now know it isn’t me being paranoid, but worried because…well, wouldn’t you be? I guess that’s natural.

Getting to the point of this post, I’ve been trying to find things to distract my brain. I’ve tried signing up to a mental health blog but just have no clue what to write. I’m currently waiting for a letter from a lady I’ve spoken to on social media (I’m a member of a MH support group) so we can be penpals. I’ve never been much of a reader, so haven’t found any books to distract me. So what can I do? 

Well, I’ve actually found that video gaming helps. More specifically the game ‘Dead Island’. If you’ve never heard of this game, basically, there’s an outbreak of a zombie virus on an island and you have to escape. It helps me to escape reality and it requires a level of concentration that isn’t too straining on the brain. I’ve been playing it so much that I actually completed it in a week. Luckily, there is a choice of 4 characters so I can play it again as someone else.

I think it’s important to find something to keep our minds occupied, otherwise, we’ll be pondering on things that are out of our control. And that’s not good for anybody.

My comfort box.

I have just finished compiling bits for my comfort box and wanted to share it all with you. Maybe it can inspire you to make your own. I’d love to think that this post inspires somebody else to create a comfort box to help them through potentially bad days.

What is a comfort box? I hear you ask. Well, for those who aren’t sure, it is a box in which you put items that calm or relax you when you’re feeling down, or having a bad day, or just generally struggling with life. You can put any items in it, such as:

  • Favourite chocolate
  • Favourite film
  • Activities
  • Photos 
  • Candles etc

So this is what my comfort box looks like:-

It includes:-

  • 2 lavender candles
  • 4 photos that mean the world to me
  • Incense
  • Sudoku puzzle book
  • Paper to doodle on
  • Pencil case full of coloured pens
  • Wispa Gold hot chocolate
  • One of my favourite mugs
  • A home made CD with some of my favourite songs on; and
  • Some inspirational/motivational quotes.

I think this will be something that I’ll add to. For example, I’m thinking of adding my Psychoville DVDs but I’m not sure yet.

I figured that I cant always rely on medication or doctors to help me feel better. It must start with myself first. 

Peace and love to you all ✌❤

Current thoughts.

I know I have been very quiet on here lately, my mental health has become almost unbearable. Sorry.

Still being unemployed, I have a lot of time to think. Think about things. Think about me. I realise I am too caring and I open my heart up so much that I become vulnerable to dejection. In 6th form, my friends always knew me as the girl who hates everyone, but that was far from the truth; I loved my friends! I say ‘loved’ because we’re all slightly different people now. The vast majority of my pals have recently graduated from uni. I have to admit, I admire them and am slightly jealous – they have so much to show in their lives but I dont. It’s my fault, I chose to not go to uni. I’m my own worst enemy.

Aforementioned, my mental health has become a nightmare. I have been slipping. Good news is that I’m waiting for a mental health assessment, so, hopefully, soon I will find out what is happening in my brain. I’m a little scared but relieved – I’ve battled this for a number of years so am glad to find answers.

In terms of support, my mum has been absolutely wonderful! I cant thank her enough. She has been there for me in every way imaginable and when it’s my turn to do the same, I hope she knows I will do my very best.

Currently, I am thinking of making a ‘comfort box’ for times like these, when I’m getting bad. The idea is to put in items such as my favourite CD, colouring books, DVDs, favourite sweets etc to help calm and relax me. I love the idea. I’ll let you know how it goes.

#mentalhealth